Late-night hosts unpacked the Orwellian double-speak of congressional Republicans trying to justify the Trump administration’s military strikes in Iran.
Stephen Colbert
“Folks, I really didn’t want to start the monologue by talking about the war, but in honor of this administration, I went into this without a plan,” said Stephen Colbert on Wednesday, five days after the US military, in conjunction with Israel, bombed Iran and killed its supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.
“I say ‘war,’” he continued, “because it sure looks like a war, and Trump keeps calling it a war, but Congress never declared it a war, and Maga was promised no new wars, so the White House sent out a list of talking points to all the congressional Republicans telling them in no uncertain terms that if a reporter asked ‘Can you promise the American people this will not be a long-drawn out war?’, the answer to give is ‘These are targeted, major combat operations.’”
“So … it’s worse than a war,” said Colbert. “It’s a war that got a thesaurus for Christmas.”
“So it’s not a war, don’t call it a war? Got it! I’m sorry, Mr President, you were saying?”
Colbert then played a clip of Trump telling reporters “we’re doing very well on the warfront” on Wednesday afternoon. “Oh no!” Colbert mocked. “You know you’re not supposed to say it, but that just puts the word in your brain.”
“No surprise, everyone thinks that this stupid terminology is stupid,” he added. “So on Wednesday, Republicans such as Speaker Mike Johnson tried a new tactic which Colbert called: “It is a war, but it’s not our war.”
According to Johnson, Iran “declared war on us. We’re not at war right now.”
“I totally buy it – ‘babe, she declared sex on me? I simply reciprocated with a targeted, heat-seeking moisture missile,’” Colbert joked.
Seth Meyers
“Republicans in Congress who said Trump would end foreign wars have a new strategy for defending the Iran war: claiming it’s not actually a war, even though Trump himself calls it a war,” said Seth Meyers on Late Night before a series of clips of Trump administration officials claiming that, for example, “strategic strikes are not a war”.
“Yeah, just bombing someone doesn’t count as a war. You have to send troops,” Meyers mocked. “That’s why in Independence Day, when the alien ship blows up the White House, the president goes on TV and says ‘no need to panic, it’s not an alien invasion. It’s just an alien strategic strike.’”
“Look, I get you guys don’t want to come off as shameless liars for telling voters that Trump would end foreign wars, but this is getting confusing,” he continued. “There are two reasons why they’re talking in Orwellian circles like this. One, if they acknowledge it’s a war, they also have to admit that it’s illegal, since only Congress can declare war. And two, they don’t want to admit that Trump lied. He said he would keep us out of exactly these type of open-ended wars and specifically forever wars.”
“People are tired of endless wars. Trump knew that, and shamelessly exploited it by claiming he would stop so-called forever wars,” he added. “What we’re seeing play out is the absurdity of life inside the Trump cult. One minute they all have to pretend Trump is a working-class savior who will end foreign wars, the next they have to pretend the war he started isn’t a war, even though he’s the one calling it a war.”
Jimmy Kimmel
“We’re now on day five of whatever this is,” said Jimmy Kimmel on Wednesday evening. “Pete Hegseth today said ‘we’re just getting started’ in Iran. And “team Trump has been throwing out a wide and conflicting array of reasons for why they decided to launch this attack. Was it to stop Iran from enriching uranium and building long-range missiles? Is it because Israel was going to do it anyway? Was it for regime change? Or maybe it’s for what Trump’s press secretary Karoline Leavitt said it was, which is another hunch.”
Said Leavitt: “I think the president prior to that phone call had a good feeling that the Iranian regime was going to strike the United States assets and our personnel in the region.”
“He had a good feeling. What more do you need?” Kimmel mocked. “Why are good feelings for him bad for everyone else?”
The Daily Show
And on the Daily Show, Michael Kosta opened with a clip from defense secretary Hegseth’s press conference defending the US war in Iran. “America is winning, decisively, devastatingly and without mercy,” he said. “Iran cannot outlast us. We control their fate. They are toast, and they know it … This was never meant to be a fair fight, and it is not a fair fight.”
“Whoa, come on, dude – not a fair fight?” said Kosta. “That’s not something you usually hear the good guys say. Which, remember, that’s us, right? Let’s try again, and this time, try to not sound so much like a bully.”
Hegseth continued: “We are punching them when they’re down, which is exactly as it should be.”
“What the fuck, dude?!” said Kosta. “Why does the secretary of defense sound like a cheesy movie villain.”
“But secretary Pete’s bravado clears one thing up: this is very much a war,” he added, which puts Hegseth at odds with many congressional Republicans claiming otherwise. That included Senator Markwayne Mullin of Oklahoma, who in one breath told reporters, “This is war, and we’re taking out the threat. And if you’re part of the threat, then you’re a target.” And in the literal next breath said: “We haven’t declared war! They declared war.”
“I know it seems like Markwayne is contradicting himself,” said Kosta, “But what you’ve gotta understand is that Mark thinks this is a war, but Wayne thinks it’s not…”
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