Late-night hosts recapped Donald Trump’s interminable State of the Union address and the homeland security secretary, Kristi Noem, using taxpayer money to travel for her alleged affair.
Jimmy Kimmel
Jimmy Kimmel took a break from Trump’s 107-minute State of the Union address – the longest ever, breaking his own record – to record his show on Tuesday evening.
“What a speech it wasn’t,” he summarized of the meandering address. Still, “the theme of tonight’s speech was ‘all foreigners are murderers’. And Trump said zero illegal aliens have been allowed into the United States on his watch, but the door is always open to those who come in legally to be his next wife. So that’s something. He bragged about DEI. He bragged about kicking 2 million people off food stamps. It was like a Christmas message from the Grinch.
“When you ramble incoherently for two hours is that technically still a speech or does it at some point become a conniption fit?” he wondered. “The speech went on so long Kristi Noem’s dog shot itself.”
Kimmel played several of Trump’s choice divisive lines, such as: “Democrats are destroying our country, but we stopped it just in the nick of time.”
“I have to say: Trump’s dementia really makes me miss Joe Biden’s dementia,” Kimmel lamented. “It was a much friendlier dementia.”
He concluded with a “real” assessment of the union: “We have a nutjob wannabe king who’s doing everything he can to censor opinions he doesn’t want to hear. He has his goons arresting, incarcerating and killing American citizens. He’s cut funding for cancer research at children’s hospitals while he rakes in literally billions of dollars for himself and his family. He’s coming after our right to vote. He’s protecting pedophiles and won’t explain it. He’s lining the pockets of billionaires, all while neglecting the sick, the poor and the hungry – in the name of Jesus by the way, who you can read all about in the Donald Trump edition of the God Bless the USA Bible, that is made in China and available for $99.99. That is the state of the union.”
Stephen Colbert
“According to Trump’s team, the official theme of the speech was ‘America at 250: Strong, Prosperous and Respected’,” explained Stephen Colbert on The Late Show, which taped live following Trump’s speech. “Though if you have to say you’re strong, prosperous and respected it kind of feels like you’re not. It’s like getting an invite to ‘Sheila’s 50! Single, happy and absolutely loving menopause. Is it hot in here? It’s hot in here. Let’s punch a wall!’
“This speech was an important opportunity for Trump,” he added, “because right now his popularity is un.” According to a new CNN poll, Trump’s job approval rating among all adults is a lowly 36%. The president arrived at the Capitol on Tuesday “looking a little tired, but his hair was nice and fluffy”, Colbert noted. “Personally, I think he could have kept his head in the cotton candy machine a little bit longer.”
In those nearly two hours, Trump took credit for things he had nothing to do with, fomented racial animus and rambled incoherently. “If you’ve heard any of Trump’s speeches before, you’ll notice there really wasn’t much new material here,” Colbert summarized. “Honoring our veterans and our first responders aside, it was a dark speech filled with divisive lies, and it’s unlikely to win him much support with the voters who have grown disenchanted with the chaos and dysfunction of his second administration.”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, which taped before Trump’s address, Seth Meyers touched on Trump’s own admission that he expected his speech to be long. “Oh yeah, I think we’re all expecting that,” said Meyers. “You’re incapable of being brief. Even if you were just going to read a haiku, I would expect two intermissions.
“We tape early, so I’ll go ahead and factcheck in advance: not true, not true, OJ’s White Bronco was not driven by Joe Biden, not true, not true, and actually Jonathan Bailey is People’s Sexiest Man Alive.”
During a White House briefing on Monday, Trump complained that he does not get credit for his accomplishments, “but does get credit for other people’s”, Meyers quipped.
Trump further complained: “If I came up with a cure for cancer, they would say he should’ve done it years ago.”
“I don’t know,” Meyers responded. “If you came up with a cure for cancer, I would lose respect for cancer.”
The Daily Show
And on The Daily Show, Desi Lydic provided a status update on the homeland security secretary, Kristi Noem. “As head of DHS, Noem has a busy job starting wars in American cities, but somehow she seems to have found time for love,” she said, citing many reports that Noem, who is married, is having a poorly concealed affair with her deputy, Corey Lewandowski. (Both have denied the rumors.) “Guys, finally this administration has a sex scandal involving consenting adults,” Lydic deadpanned. “We did it! USA, USA, USA!
“I know it’s a bit unseemly, but I try to stay out of people’s personal business,” she continued. “I mean, it’s not like Kristi and Corey are flying around on a taxpayer-funded fuck plane … ”
Well. The two have reportedly been using a luxury 737 Max jet worth $70m, outfitted with a private cabin in the back for their travel around the country on taxpayer money.
“OK, so they’re flying around on a taxpayer-funded fuck plane,” said Lydic. “How do they justify charging the country for their bang bus in the sky?”
On paper, they claimed they needed the large plane for “immigrant deportation flights”.
“Oh yeah, I’m so sure this is the plane they’re using to deport illegal immigrants,” she said. “Could you imagine actually being deported on that plane? And the whole time you’re hearing Corey and Kristi Noem grunting in the back? I’d be like, ‘Can this plane please hurry up and land in South Sudan already?’”
Noem is also allegedly fussy about the details. According to a report from the Wall Street Journal, Lewandowski fired a Coast Guard pilot after she forgot her blanket when they switched planes. They then reinstated the pilot when no one else was available to fly them home. “Oh my God, could this get any dumber?” Lydic mocked. “The only way this could get any dumber is, I don’t know, deporting 10 million people and then realizing that they were the ones that did all the hard jobs.”
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